I love.......

So many things to say, but
A thousand words stuck at the tip of my tongue
The only words that I am able to say is that
I love him, I really do.

I love how he looks at me,
He makes me feel like having me is enough,
His eyes shine in my presence,
And it felt like the time stops when our eyes meet.

I love how he teases me,
His sarcasm never fails to amuse me,
He never gets offended when I tease him back,
And always so honest when the joke hits him hard.

I love the smell of his jacket,
That wraps around me to keep me warm,
And how he always pass it under the table,
Just because.....

I love how he calls my name,
Whenever he wants me to stay,
I can feel his thoughts in his voice,
Wanting me to be close to him, always.

I love how he gets jealous,
He'll be really frank and it's adorable,
Talk and fret about it,
Like a little baby seeking for attention.

I love his ego,
The one that I can challenge and make fun of,
He never admits to things,
But I'm always able to see right through him.

I love his insecurities,
He always think that he is not enough,
But really, I couldn't ask for more
He's everything I ever asked for.

Our journey has a long way to go,
The path is uncertain in so many ways,
We have years more walk by,
Just hope that our love will only grow stronger.

-shs-

Is it him?

All this while I've been searching. I have my own vision of how I want my marriage life to be like. Everyone does right? 

Many are not aware that a guy should prioritize their parents and not their wife. Knowing that fact, I have always wanted someone who is able to fulfill their duty as a son well and I will be his support system; being by his side through all that responsibilities and hardship. 

Many are not aware that a woman has to obey their husband as long as it doesn't oppose the teaching of Islam. Woman these days are too proud of themselves and their career that they have forgotten the responsibilities of a wife. Or maybe they weren't taught much about it. Hopefully I will always remember this responsibility.

There are too much to write when it comes to my dream guy. Well, it is a DREAM guy after all, so everyone can dream. To cut things short, I just want a guy who is knowledgeable especially in religion, so that he is able to guide me in this life and hereafter. Inshaa Allah everything will come easy if he is well taught about the religion because Islam is perfect, only Muslims are not. 

This time around, I think I have found him. If he is really meant for me, may Allah ease my journey to complete half of the deen. 

Thank you for showing up in my life. 

Papers

Staring at a blank piece of paper,
wondering what to write,
I have so many in mind,
that nothing is coming out.

A white sheet is how it is,
The imagination of my life,
When the truth is the opposite,
Everything is in fact black.

As tears racing down my cheeks,
In the dark I sat,
Hoping to be saved by someone,
To catch a glimpse of light and shine again.

Little did I know,
That sheet of paper has turned darker,
Only a change of heart can bring back,
The light that is once gone and turn it white.

shs

Sanctuary

Just when I thought I have found my sanctuary,

It turns out to be just another theory,

Proven not by time,

Simply just a paradigm. 

Just when I thought I've grown stronger,

Intense emotions make me ponder,

If there are such things as happiness,

Cause my sights are filled with angriness.

Money should not be what we seek,

Harmonious environment we should keep,

If those principles are at loss,

Surely the world will turn into a chaos.

If this is the world's reality,

I shall live in solitary,

Away from fights and corruptions, 

As I am afraid of this modern disruption.

shs

1 Syawal 1438 H

This year was different. With all the dramas going on in my family, it felt empty. Well, a little. It's funny that when people ask me about it, I don't really have anything to say. Maybe because I wasn't there or I just couldn't care less. Just when I thought that it is a good thing not to care about the dramas, people say I should.

Well, putting the dramas aside, my first Syawal was splendid. Most of my relatives are away; some are in Melaka, Kelantan & etc. It felt a little quite but those who are there definitely made it happening. Woke up late, thus I missed the Raya prayers. Got ready and well, to granny's we go!

My family usually visits my dad's side first, but this time around we went to my mum's. Stayed there from 10am til Zuhr. I don't even remember eating that much. In fact, half of my memories there feels like a blank. I think I spent most of the time talking and hearing about the dramas that I couldn't care less about.

Well, what I love about being at my granny's is that she cooks so much! The Cambodian & Vietnam dishes are mandatory and those are the food that makes my tummy happy.

"I bought 10kg of chicken and I reserved 4kg just for you two."

That is what she said to my two chicken lover brothers. It made them so happy cause granny was on their side when my mum was constantly babbling; asking them to stop.

Since I am closer to my mum's side of the family, time flies fast. Like I said, I don't even remember what I did there. I think most of my time spent watching kids running around and casually eying on this one fat baby. He kept on walking up and down the stairs and it was just adorable! Like a real life baby panda.

Off we go! This time to my dad's side.

My Wan's tiny house was filled with family members and the conditioner wasn't working! I ended up lepaking in my Wan's room cause the air conditioner was working. Being the close siblings we are, when one of us was in Wan's room, everyone ended up there and we just talked when we can actually do it at home.

I feel like I am not close to daddy's side of the family because of the age gap. Most of them are in primary school. Well, my dad has 9 brothers and a sister. Of course the age gaps will be huge. But I feel happy cause this time around I actually get to talk to my tiny cousins when I don't even know their names! It is the ugly truth people. I bet they don't even know my name too. Well, enough nagging. Here are some pictures!

Oh and I didn't eat the lontong at Wan's house. I'm regretting it now. Ugh Shafieza !

.

I've always been curious of this thing called love or relationships or whatsoever. It has so many mysteries to it. Denial, rejections, fear, happiness, sparks and etc. The funny thing about it is that the third party is always the one that has the clearest view of the situation. 

When someone falls in love, they have two reasons to not confessing; denials and rejections. In my case, my denials conquer the pie chart by 80% and the other 20% is fear of rejection. It's funny that we tend to see ourselves equally to our friends, yet we fail to do that with our crush. We tend to look down on ourselves and think that we don't deserve whoever that we've been eyeing this whole time. 

Then when you see your crush with someone else, you'll feel like he/she is better off with that person and not you. But it hurts. It hurts so much to see and think that way but being an idiot I am, I let it be. I continue to hurt myself. I find it better to watch people rather than confess, get rejected and move on. Cause the hardest part is moving on and being the lazy Shaf I am, I don't want to trouble myself by going through that. So let's just stick to the plan of watching afar and get hurt a million times a day. I'm sorry to my future crush or husband, it'll take some time before I express myself. Maybe it won't even happen. Who knows.

Thoughts 2.0

Being a girl, I overthink. Sometimes, I think about irrelevant things like how chemists discover the smallest particle or the electrons, protons and shiz. Most of the times, I think about people and what went wrong.

It's no doubt that we meet people everyday. Some may stay forever and some might just pass by. But there are special ones that stay for a certain amount of time, leave memories behind and disappear from our lives. Funny how such people can mean so much at a certain point and goes back to being strangers. 

I never understood these kinds of relationships and I doubt I ever will. Being Shafieza, I don't really forget the things that people did to me. Not the bad ones and not the good ones either. They tend to stay. But being Shafieza also means that if you were ever important to me once, I don't usually recall the bad memories with you. I can't. The good ones always overshadow the bad ones. But that is me. What about you? 

I always wonder what people think of me, how they recall our memories, how much have I impacted their lives, how much did I hurt them? Was I really that bad of a friend to get ignored? Did I hurt them in the worst way possible that they hate me till this very day? 

Of course, those are the questions we ask because we don't know how people see us. Or how the little things that did not matter to us means the world to them. I really hope that the people I lost come back one day and I hope that things will fall back into place. The relationships I had were to meaningful to be wasted just like that but God knows better. Let's just hope for the best. 

The lady behind the counter

Today she's turning 63. My first ever second mother.

If you're interested in my childhood, do proceed. If you're not, carry on.

I got to know this lady called Saraswathy when I was 9 years old or maybe younger but I got close to her then. I wasn't the people person when I was little. My cliques always got separated and I can never stand large groups. Well, there's no denial that I love attention and being in a large group, I am always left out.  Also, I have to wait for my elder brother and sister to finish school, that's when I started going to the library.

The library closes at 3pm while my school session ends at 1pm or latest 1.30. Where else can I go? I mean my friends always went home right after and those who stays are all strangers that runs wildly at the assembly point. I don't really know how to make friends then, so I started reading. Of course, the best place to do that is the library.

I can't remember how I got close to Miss Saras. Maybe I was called by her, maybe I was bored and decided to have a chat. What I remember is the fact that I always stay till the library closes so that I can be with her till the lights go off. It always give me a rush when I switch off the lights and run to the other end of the library, where the exit is. If you must know, I hate being in the dark and I was 9. I always imagine ghosts chasing me and stuff.

If you ever saw my instastory on her, I mentioned that she taught me English. Well, she isn't exactly a teacher. She was a librarian. My english was not as good before I met her but for some odd reason, I never spoke Malay with her and she always corrected my English whenever I made a mistake. That's how my I improved my English. We would have conversations and she'ld recommend me books to read and etc. CONFESSION: All the books I borrowed were never read. I just tanda my Program Nilam book for the sake of the award wish I got. Tak tau nak rasa bersalah ke tak. :P

Back to my story, it's funny to think that I became a librarian just because I stayed back everyday and had nothing better to do. Even during the interview, the teacher in charged asked if I can stayback atleast a day to do my duty. That was literally the only requirement. Guess what? I stayed back everyday except for Fridays. I guess that's how we got close. I spent atleast an hour with her, for four days a week.

Throughout my primary school journey, she taught me so many things especially on how the system works. At times when she can't figure out the computer, I will teach her. I know so much that she can even entrust me with her work whenever she goes to the bank. Well, the task was simple really. Scan the ID card and the book, stamp the expiry date and off you go! Oh and 10 cent per day if you forgot to return it.

Sometimes I feel bad for other librarians cause whenever I am around, they seem to be doing so much work while I was just sitting there by the counter and eat with Miss Saras. But then again, I am there everyday and obviously I did more work. Lol, this is becoming more about me than her.

So, here are the things I can remember about her. Her signature look with afro hair of course! And she always bring food from home. Well, obviously cause she can't leave the library! She brings extra for me from time to time and she drinks coffee in the morning from her flask. She always scream whenever a kid runs in the library. But if the library gets really noisy, usually I will do the yelling to shut people up.

I remember not going to the library whenever she gets sick cause it's just not the same without her. And if I ever got hungry during recess, she'll give me money to buy keropok lekor at the canteen. Of course I'll share it with her but sometimes I don't. #sorrynotsorry

When I moved to high school which was next door, I run into her from time to time. She always walked by the school field on her way home. Sometimes I walked with her and catch up. It broke my heart when she told me she was retiring. Maybe because when she retires, I don't have a reason to go to my primary school anymore and I don't really have someone to talk to. I remember going back to the library after she retired. It felt different and empty. I never went back ever since. She was replaced by a Malay lady that doesn't look friendly. But that is just me judging a book my it's cover. Who knows she might even be better than Miss Saras.

Whatever it is, I just hope Miss Saras is healthy and well. I haven't spoken to her for a really long time. I used to call her during deepavali, christmas and her birthday but since I lost her number, there's nothing to be done. Oh there was this one time that she forgot my name and I made her guess. She kept on saying my voice is familiar but she just can't remember my name. She figured it out in the end and we had a good laugh. I think that was the last time we ever talked. If only I have her number, I would've called and visited her. I really do miss her.

Happy birthday Miss Saras. <3

25th May 2017

A passerby

Of all the tings we said,
One I will never forget,
"People will eventually leave"
And they really do.

The journey always seem short,
Eventhough it takes years to build,
Always ends up in ashes,
Or rainbows to be cherished.

Funny how each and every time,
I always feel like I will be the change,
And it turns out I am just another,
A passerby with dreams waiting to be achieved.

Dreams of having one to be with,
Through thick and thin,
A friend to walk with,
In times of hardship.

Appreciation

It's funny that people don't see what they have and always ask for more. It's sad that I happen to be one of them. I've never really been far from my parents nor have I ever been let to explore the world on my own. Sometimes I hate the fact that they are so protective but I believe that there is always a reason for every restriction.

Being the emotional me, I have always kept things to myself and ends up writing some random poems, but lately I find it hard to do so. I find myself dependent of my parents until they got weirded out with me calling them two days straight. My mum says she's getting phobias!!! But somehow, it feels great to be dependent on them and to be able to have someone to talk to about random things just to distract myself.

Whatever it is, we should definitely appreciate our parents more. Sometimes it is depressing to know that we're (not so) far from them and can't serve/help them. Well, that's when prayers matter. Never ever stop praying for them cause I know they never forget to pray for you too.

hm

-

Behind every smile,
Lies a shredded heart that makes the smile worth it.
Behind every broken heart,
Lies a person who used to make her smile.

Everyone looks up to her,
Wanting to be her,
When they actually don't know her,
The pain, the sorrows,
Nights filled with wet pillows,
Morning of swollen eyes,
Afternoon of anxiety,
And evenings of depression.

People see her as perfect,
Cause they can't see her heart,
The misery she was put in,
The expectations she lives with,
Yet she goes on,
To show people she's fine,
When she's clearly not,
Only to bring herself up,
And fight the cruel judgement of the world.

Dear Shafieza

Dear Shafieza,
You should know that in this world not everyone is as blessed as you are.
You should know that not everyone is given the opportunity to do what you do.
There are people struggling in this world for survival.
And you live under the comfort of you parents in a peaceful country.

Dear Shafieza,
Allah always push the people they love to the limit,
only to unleash their true potential,
Only to bring them close to Him,
Only to be loved by Him and be reminded
That He is always with us
through thick and thin.

Dear Shafieza,
Sometimes life brings you down,
sometimes life is a pain in the ass,
sometimes life just sucks,
But remember; Verily after every difficulties, there'll be ease.

Dear Shafieza,
Stay strong.

wertbdgfjknw

What people see is a perfect lady,
Young, sophisticated and beautiful.

What she sees is a mess,
A girl who can never say no,
Takes up every job even when she's not willing too.

What people see is a strong girl,
A girl with passion and never gives up.

What she sees is a little girl,
Cries herself to bed every night,
Hoping there'll be another to be by her side.

People only see what we show them,
They only judge by how we appear before them,
And what we hide is only for us to know.

No one is flawless,
No one is strong enough,
and definitely no one get through things
without failing.

No success is achieved in a day,
no success is achieved without hard work,
And above all,
No success will be achieved
without His will and blessings.

Little did I know

Little did I know,
I'm losing myself slowly,
drowning in this world,
Of pressure and expectations.

Little did I know,
I was forced to do things,
Something that my heart desires not,
Only to satisfy the wishes of others.

Little did I know,
I hate this world I'm in,
The stress and work,
Full hours of torture and misery,
Only to find myself drained by it.

Little did I know,
what I desire is the stars,
the calmness of the world,
the calmness of my mind,
The beauty of His creations.

Little that I know,
my wishes are merely a fairytale,
to be lived only in my imagination,
cause reality is a harsh place.

Wardrobe change: Penghijrahan

Good things are always hard to obtain. Bad things come like raindrops. When I fisrt started to wear my hijab, it was hard. I wear literally the same thing every single day cause that's the only thing I have that covers me properly. I wasn't a big fan of skirts at the time so I have no Jubah and no baju kurung that I can wear out casually. Thus, all I have is 2 long sleeves t-shirts and a few pants.

Well, this time around it isn't about me but about women in general. Women who have been given hidayah to put on a hijab.

Firstly, people should know that it's not easy to suddenly cover yourself perfectly. If the woman used to dress in a very appealing manner, they have very limited long sleeves shirt without having holes anywhere. Thus, if they do wear things that might be slightly inappropriate yet still covering their hair, do respect them and give them another chance.

It's true that women love to shop and it takes months to actually own that huge collection of theirs. A wardrobe change wouldn't be achieved in a month or so. Also, women need to discover themselves. Everyone knows that buying a single piece of clothes take forever for a women, so how long do you think they will need to change their entire wardrobe?

Changes need time. It does not happen within a day nor will it happen within a month. Drastic changes are never good. Some people who goes through drastic changes might find themselves to be in a shocking position that they eventually go back to their bad habit.

Whatever it is, people should not judge another by their appearance cause we do not know their story. They might just have put on their hijab yesterday and being judged the day after. Even the people with hijab yet tight clothings, we shouldn't judge them either. They might not know the proper way of hijab and it is our responsibility to guide these kind of people.

This post is actually a reminder. Especially to myself. I need to tell myself to stop judging people and guide them instead cause that is the best way of doing things.

Kisah seorang Shafieza

All my life, I've had few specs. Some are funny, some are fine. But really, I don't go well with specs. Or contacts even.

I started wearing them at the age of 11. Why? This fierce class teacher of mine placed me all the way in the back. It took me all the courage I can get to tell her I'm short-sighted and when I did, she replied "I'm not going to move you. You should get spectacles." So, I got them. I outgrew them fast as children with spectacles increases power rapidly. But that's another story. So this is the real story.

As I said, I don't go well with specs. I broke them with my bare hands once. Well, I sat on it and it was dented? So I tried to fix it and yeah, miracle happens you know. Needed to get a new one instead cause I broke it and that specs was damn expensive. It was oakley (which the salesman claim to be strong as sht) and I broke the 1K frame with my bare hands. Nice job Shaf.

I have this habit of mine where I take them off randomly and place them randomly. I once hung my specs at a 5 litre bottle and forgot about it. How did I find it? It took the effort of me + 5 others to find it and it took 10 minutes when my room is barely 200 sq feet. Good times, stupid times. Smart Shafieza.

Last memorable one is that I shattered my specs. Everyone said it was a goddamn bullet and it's literally impossible for that to happen. But things happen you see and things happen to me. There goes my money..... How it happened? I wanted to wash my clothes but my specs were really loose so it bugged me. I took it off and hung it at one of the metal hangers. When I was done with one of my clothes, I took a hanger but it was somehow tangled up and the hanger with my specs fell down and magic happened. No shiz man, no shiz.

New Family

I joined this club called twenties for Smileys (TFS) and well, honestly I didn't feel it. I said didn't okay. I mean I didn't feel the togetherness attitude from this club. Not until we started making the banner.

The proposed banner is a HUGE A** banner that is like 2 FREAKING STORY HIGH!! But man, the journey was worth it. I got to know the members and I now feel belonged. I feel like I was rather useless cause I don't know man. I just didn't feel like making a banner. I just chat with people to keep them awake I guess. It was fun. I mean even if I did sit there and do nothing, I got to know people and make new friends. The overall experience is seriously overwhelming. Enough said. Let the pictures do the talking.

New Year, New Me?

New year new me? Meh. My new year resolutions are literally 0.

Yes. It is good to have aims and something to look after but in reality, how many of us actually achieve the resolutions? Even if they do achieve it I bet most of it are the one they brought from the year before. I love who I am and I don't really want to change anything. But if there is one thing that I would want to change is my time management.

Honestly saying, I haven't cope yet with my 'break up' and I kill my time by joining activities. And honestly, I always end up tired and well, I also prioritized anime. HAHA. but whatever.

Someone has specially requested to know about my new year. Well, it wen't pretty much like this. Spent the NYE and NY at cyberjaya making banner. But I did get to see fireworks at 12am.

After we called it a day on the banner making, I went to the Putrajaya Light Festival. It was well, boring cause I went there with 4 other girls and no New year's kiss (k I'm kidding). It was awesome. I mean I haven't been to any light festival so it was okay if we leave out the fact that it was too dark to take any pictures. BOO HOO. but yeah, overall it was okay. The best part of it was to celebrate new year itself at the parking lot. The thing about public gathering is the parking. We parked at a field where it is full of mud and little hill. So, what happened was around 11.30 we decided to leave but our car was blocked. So we decided to go up the little hill in front of us but it was muddy so we got stuck. It was a scary experience cause even a 4 wheel drive can't pass through. SCARY!! and the car almost hit us. So, we waited for like 45 mins till we got out. My friends and I were complaining how we spent 1 whole year in the car and stuff like that. The experience wasn't so fun but the memories was priceless. <3