Papers

Staring at a blank piece of paper,
wondering what to write,
I have so many in mind,
that nothing is coming out.

A white sheet is how it is,
The imagination of my life,
When the truth is the opposite,
Everything is in fact black.

As tears racing down my cheeks,
In the dark I sat,
Hoping to be saved by someone,
To catch a glimpse of light and shine again.

Little did I know,
That sheet of paper has turned darker,
Only a change of heart can bring back,
The light that is once gone and turn it white.

shs

Sanctuary

Just when I thought I have found my sanctuary,

It turns out to be just another theory,

Proven not by time,

Simply just a paradigm. 

Just when I thought I've grown stronger,

Intense emotions make me ponder,

If there are such things as happiness,

Cause my sights are filled with angriness.

Money should not be what we seek,

Harmonious environment we should keep,

If those principles are at loss,

Surely the world will turn into a chaos.

If this is the world's reality,

I shall live in solitary,

Away from fights and corruptions, 

As I am afraid of this modern disruption.

shs

1 Syawal 1438 H

This year was different. With all the dramas going on in my family, it felt empty. Well, a little. It's funny that when people ask me about it, I don't really have anything to say. Maybe because I wasn't there or I just couldn't care less. Just when I thought that it is a good thing not to care about the dramas, people say I should.

Well, putting the dramas aside, my first Syawal was splendid. Most of my relatives are away; some are in Melaka, Kelantan & etc. It felt a little quite but those who are there definitely made it happening. Woke up late, thus I missed the Raya prayers. Got ready and well, to granny's we go!

My family usually visits my dad's side first, but this time around we went to my mum's. Stayed there from 10am til Zuhr. I don't even remember eating that much. In fact, half of my memories there feels like a blank. I think I spent most of the time talking and hearing about the dramas that I couldn't care less about.

Well, what I love about being at my granny's is that she cooks so much! The Cambodian & Vietnam dishes are mandatory and those are the food that makes my tummy happy.

"I bought 10kg of chicken and I reserved 4kg just for you two."

That is what she said to my two chicken lover brothers. It made them so happy cause granny was on their side when my mum was constantly babbling; asking them to stop.

Since I am closer to my mum's side of the family, time flies fast. Like I said, I don't even remember what I did there. I think most of my time spent watching kids running around and casually eying on this one fat baby. He kept on walking up and down the stairs and it was just adorable! Like a real life baby panda.

Off we go! This time to my dad's side.

My Wan's tiny house was filled with family members and the conditioner wasn't working! I ended up lepaking in my Wan's room cause the air conditioner was working. Being the close siblings we are, when one of us was in Wan's room, everyone ended up there and we just talked when we can actually do it at home.

I feel like I am not close to daddy's side of the family because of the age gap. Most of them are in primary school. Well, my dad has 9 brothers and a sister. Of course the age gaps will be huge. But I feel happy cause this time around I actually get to talk to my tiny cousins when I don't even know their names! It is the ugly truth people. I bet they don't even know my name too. Well, enough nagging. Here are some pictures!

Oh and I didn't eat the lontong at Wan's house. I'm regretting it now. Ugh Shafieza !

.

I've always been curious of this thing called love or relationships or whatsoever. It has so many mysteries to it. Denial, rejections, fear, happiness, sparks and etc. The funny thing about it is that the third party is always the one that has the clearest view of the situation. 

When someone falls in love, they have two reasons to not confessing; denials and rejections. In my case, my denials conquer the pie chart by 80% and the other 20% is fear of rejection. It's funny that we tend to see ourselves equally to our friends, yet we fail to do that with our crush. We tend to look down on ourselves and think that we don't deserve whoever that we've been eyeing this whole time. 

Then when you see your crush with someone else, you'll feel like he/she is better off with that person and not you. But it hurts. It hurts so much to see and think that way but being an idiot I am, I let it be. I continue to hurt myself. I find it better to watch people rather than confess, get rejected and move on. Cause the hardest part is moving on and being the lazy Shaf I am, I don't want to trouble myself by going through that. So let's just stick to the plan of watching afar and get hurt a million times a day. I'm sorry to my future crush or husband, it'll take some time before I express myself. Maybe it won't even happen. Who knows.

Thoughts 2.0

Being a girl, I overthink. Sometimes, I think about irrelevant things like how chemists discover the smallest particle or the electrons, protons and shiz. Most of the times, I think about people and what went wrong.

It's no doubt that we meet people everyday. Some may stay forever and some might just pass by. But there are special ones that stay for a certain amount of time, leave memories behind and disappear from our lives. Funny how such people can mean so much at a certain point and goes back to being strangers. 

I never understood these kinds of relationships and I doubt I ever will. Being Shafieza, I don't really forget the things that people did to me. Not the bad ones and not the good ones either. They tend to stay. But being Shafieza also means that if you were ever important to me once, I don't usually recall the bad memories with you. I can't. The good ones always overshadow the bad ones. But that is me. What about you? 

I always wonder what people think of me, how they recall our memories, how much have I impacted their lives, how much did I hurt them? Was I really that bad of a friend to get ignored? Did I hurt them in the worst way possible that they hate me till this very day? 

Of course, those are the questions we ask because we don't know how people see us. Or how the little things that did not matter to us means the world to them. I really hope that the people I lost come back one day and I hope that things will fall back into place. The relationships I had were to meaningful to be wasted just like that but God knows better. Let's just hope for the best.