Thoughts 2.0

Being a girl, I overthink. Sometimes, I think about irrelevant things like how chemists discover the smallest particle or the electrons, protons and shiz. Most of the times, I think about people and what went wrong.

It's no doubt that we meet people everyday. Some may stay forever and some might just pass by. But there are special ones that stay for a certain amount of time, leave memories behind and disappear from our lives. Funny how such people can mean so much at a certain point and goes back to being strangers. 

I never understood these kinds of relationships and I doubt I ever will. Being Shafieza, I don't really forget the things that people did to me. Not the bad ones and not the good ones either. They tend to stay. But being Shafieza also means that if you were ever important to me once, I don't usually recall the bad memories with you. I can't. The good ones always overshadow the bad ones. But that is me. What about you? 

I always wonder what people think of me, how they recall our memories, how much have I impacted their lives, how much did I hurt them? Was I really that bad of a friend to get ignored? Did I hurt them in the worst way possible that they hate me till this very day? 

Of course, those are the questions we ask because we don't know how people see us. Or how the little things that did not matter to us means the world to them. I really hope that the people I lost come back one day and I hope that things will fall back into place. The relationships I had were to meaningful to be wasted just like that but God knows better. Let's just hope for the best. 

The lady behind the counter

Today she's turning 63. My first ever second mother.

If you're interested in my childhood, do proceed. If you're not, carry on.

I got to know this lady called Saraswathy when I was 9 years old or maybe younger but I got close to her then. I wasn't the people person when I was little. My cliques always got separated and I can never stand large groups. Well, there's no denial that I love attention and being in a large group, I am always left out.  Also, I have to wait for my elder brother and sister to finish school, that's when I started going to the library.

The library closes at 3pm while my school session ends at 1pm or latest 1.30. Where else can I go? I mean my friends always went home right after and those who stays are all strangers that runs wildly at the assembly point. I don't really know how to make friends then, so I started reading. Of course, the best place to do that is the library.

I can't remember how I got close to Miss Saras. Maybe I was called by her, maybe I was bored and decided to have a chat. What I remember is the fact that I always stay till the library closes so that I can be with her till the lights go off. It always give me a rush when I switch off the lights and run to the other end of the library, where the exit is. If you must know, I hate being in the dark and I was 9. I always imagine ghosts chasing me and stuff.

If you ever saw my instastory on her, I mentioned that she taught me English. Well, she isn't exactly a teacher. She was a librarian. My english was not as good before I met her but for some odd reason, I never spoke Malay with her and she always corrected my English whenever I made a mistake. That's how my I improved my English. We would have conversations and she'ld recommend me books to read and etc. CONFESSION: All the books I borrowed were never read. I just tanda my Program Nilam book for the sake of the award wish I got. Tak tau nak rasa bersalah ke tak. :P

Back to my story, it's funny to think that I became a librarian just because I stayed back everyday and had nothing better to do. Even during the interview, the teacher in charged asked if I can stayback atleast a day to do my duty. That was literally the only requirement. Guess what? I stayed back everyday except for Fridays. I guess that's how we got close. I spent atleast an hour with her, for four days a week.

Throughout my primary school journey, she taught me so many things especially on how the system works. At times when she can't figure out the computer, I will teach her. I know so much that she can even entrust me with her work whenever she goes to the bank. Well, the task was simple really. Scan the ID card and the book, stamp the expiry date and off you go! Oh and 10 cent per day if you forgot to return it.

Sometimes I feel bad for other librarians cause whenever I am around, they seem to be doing so much work while I was just sitting there by the counter and eat with Miss Saras. But then again, I am there everyday and obviously I did more work. Lol, this is becoming more about me than her.

So, here are the things I can remember about her. Her signature look with afro hair of course! And she always bring food from home. Well, obviously cause she can't leave the library! She brings extra for me from time to time and she drinks coffee in the morning from her flask. She always scream whenever a kid runs in the library. But if the library gets really noisy, usually I will do the yelling to shut people up.

I remember not going to the library whenever she gets sick cause it's just not the same without her. And if I ever got hungry during recess, she'll give me money to buy keropok lekor at the canteen. Of course I'll share it with her but sometimes I don't. #sorrynotsorry

When I moved to high school which was next door, I run into her from time to time. She always walked by the school field on her way home. Sometimes I walked with her and catch up. It broke my heart when she told me she was retiring. Maybe because when she retires, I don't have a reason to go to my primary school anymore and I don't really have someone to talk to. I remember going back to the library after she retired. It felt different and empty. I never went back ever since. She was replaced by a Malay lady that doesn't look friendly. But that is just me judging a book my it's cover. Who knows she might even be better than Miss Saras.

Whatever it is, I just hope Miss Saras is healthy and well. I haven't spoken to her for a really long time. I used to call her during deepavali, christmas and her birthday but since I lost her number, there's nothing to be done. Oh there was this one time that she forgot my name and I made her guess. She kept on saying my voice is familiar but she just can't remember my name. She figured it out in the end and we had a good laugh. I think that was the last time we ever talked. If only I have her number, I would've called and visited her. I really do miss her.

Happy birthday Miss Saras. <3

25th May 2017

A passerby

Of all the tings we said,
One I will never forget,
"People will eventually leave"
And they really do.

The journey always seem short,
Eventhough it takes years to build,
Always ends up in ashes,
Or rainbows to be cherished.

Funny how each and every time,
I always feel like I will be the change,
And it turns out I am just another,
A passerby with dreams waiting to be achieved.

Dreams of having one to be with,
Through thick and thin,
A friend to walk with,
In times of hardship.

Appreciation

It's funny that people don't see what they have and always ask for more. It's sad that I happen to be one of them. I've never really been far from my parents nor have I ever been let to explore the world on my own. Sometimes I hate the fact that they are so protective but I believe that there is always a reason for every restriction.

Being the emotional me, I have always kept things to myself and ends up writing some random poems, but lately I find it hard to do so. I find myself dependent of my parents until they got weirded out with me calling them two days straight. My mum says she's getting phobias!!! But somehow, it feels great to be dependent on them and to be able to have someone to talk to about random things just to distract myself.

Whatever it is, we should definitely appreciate our parents more. Sometimes it is depressing to know that we're (not so) far from them and can't serve/help them. Well, that's when prayers matter. Never ever stop praying for them cause I know they never forget to pray for you too.